Wednesday, September 27, 2006

T.O.('s Ego) Attempts 'Suicide'

Ok, I'm biased when it comes to this individual, as I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan. This fact affects me in two ways: not only do I hate the man in question, but I also hate the team on which he currently resides, the Dallas Cowboys (it took all my strength to not write Cowgirls... oh darn, my bad...). And, sad or no, I laughed when I read this headline:

Terrell Owens Hospitalized After Suicide Attempt

After years of being detested in the eyes of the public, this clown's trying (once again) to pull that sympathy card. How's that goin' for ya, pal?

He's gone from trying to get the denizens of blue collar Philadelphia to sympathize with him that he doesn't make enough money, to "Oh woe is me, I can't go on, has Oprah called yet?"

Sorry, bud. No sympathy here.

The police report said Owens was asked by rescue workers "if he was attempting to harm himself, at which time (he) stated, 'Yes.'"

Here's how it really went down:

T.O. responded to that question the same way you do when you're in college and that girl (You know, Whats-her-tits.) drunk dials you. And after fifteen minutes of dirty talking and reminiscing about that thing she does with her tongue, she drunkenly slurs "Do you wanna get back togever?"

Your reply, of course, is a an equally inebriated "Yesh". And you mean it, too, right up until you've pulled out and unloaded on her chest (Which, I find, only women in pornos find pleasurable... I know, weird, right?). But immediately afterward, you erase the occurance. You lose her number, burn the sheets and bury the gerbil.

At that moment, you wanted some compassion, some attention, some cheap nookie.

Well, I'm happy to report that T.O. has yet to get the world's nookie. We aren't that drunk, Terrell.

And for all the football diehards out there, here's another theory:

Are you trying to harm yourself (so that you can avoid playing in the Dallas/Philadelphia game October 8th at Lincoln Financial Field in South Philly and thus miss out on the massive hit that Brian Dawkins will deliver that deprives you of your ever expanding head)?


Hugs and Handjobs,



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