Monday, September 11, 2006

A Step by Step Guide to Breaking Up

Step one: Walk through the door, look Trevor straight in the eyes and say, “We are so done. I never want to see you again.”
For this you will need:
a.) A good pair of shoes. Trevor lives on the sixth floor of a building that has no elevator, so the shoes have to be comfortable. And good looking. You want to look your best when dumping the man who's screwed with your heart for the past seven years. Pick a pair that show off your curvaceous calves at the same time slimming your ankles.
They should be new shoes. Although Trevor won’t notice them per se, he will sense there’s something different about you. He’ll see a woman ready to move on with her life.
b.) The key to Trevor’s apartment. He’d never let you in after the restaurant debacle.

Maybe that should be the first step.

Step one (revised): Get a copy of Trevor’s key.
For this you will need:
A prostitute, preferably a convincing transvestite. Hire the transvestite prostitute to seduce Trevor in a bar and suggest they go back to his place. There the chick with a dick will drug Trevor. (Note: Talk to Barb’s doctor friend about what drug to use.) Once Trevor is comatose the prostitute will make a wax mold of his key. Take mold to place that can make keys from wax. I can’t think of any places off the top of my head.

So perhaps that should be the first step, find a hardware store that can make keys from wax molds. No, the first step should really be to find out where Trevor lives since the hardware store you choose will depend on the area of the country you find yourself in. So...

Step one (revised, again): Find out where Trevor lives.
For this you will need:
A detective, a discrete one. The last few have been too obvious and Trevor’s been able to run before you could get to him. So spend the extra money and choose a quality detective this time.

Step two: Find a hardware store in Trevor’s town that can make keys from wax molds, no questions asked. (Check Yellow Pages for listings.)

Step three: Hire he-whore to seduce and drug Trevor.

Step four: Buy new shoes. Two pairs. Now that you know where Trevor lives you know how much mountain hiking you have to do to get to his apartment building. You will have to buy a pair of all terrain shoes, and they don’t look sexy at all. Buy another pair of shoes that show off your legs. Get some foundation and loose powder. You’re sure to bang up your legs climbing the mountain. Bruises and scrapes will counteract the curvy calves and slim ankles. Oh, and while you’re out, pick up a water proof sun block. You’ll be sweating a lot and it’d be a shame to have sun damage just because you want to dump this jerk.

Step five: Keep a low profile. Trevor’s almost definitely informed the local police of his restraining order. If they’re anything like the police department in the last town, they have orders to arrest you on sight, using deadly force if necessary.
Going back to step three, get the prostitute to check out Trevor’s place for booby-traps and hidden weapons. It might be a good idea if you packed your tazer just in case Trevor decides to “defend” himself.

Step six: Go to Trevor’s building, climb six floors to his apartment. In hallway change clothes and shoes. Wash off camouflage paint and put on make-up. Do hair. Unlock the door to Trevor’s apartment.

Step seven: Walk through the door, look Trevor straight in his comatose eyes and say, “We are so done. I never want to see you again.”

There, you’ve done it. You are a single woman. Now go out there and find a man.

-CPW

www.thewaitstaff.com

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