Thursday, January 18, 2007

Story Time!

Boy meets girl.

Boy and girl fall in love.

Boy loses girl. What do you expect? It’s a big train station.

Boy finds girl cowering by storage lockers.

Girl looks up at boy and screams, “I’m a woman, God Damn it. Physically, emotionally, and legally I AM A WOMAN. Why do you insist on treating me like a child?”

Boy helps woman to her feet and reassures her of his respect for her maturity.

Woman is offended by the word “maturity.”

Boy changes subject.

Woman suggests they go back to her place. Boy agrees.

Once there, boy proves he is not a boy, but a man.

Man and woman screw like squirrels.

Meanwhile on the other side of the galaxy...
Avog meets aveel.

Avog and aveel fall in bufledon.

Aveel screams, “I am a loobtop, Xeen Damn it. Why must you treat me like an arable?”

Avog says, “Forget this shit,” and makes plans to invade Earth.

On the way to Earth, avog’s fleet is hit by rogue asteroid. All are destroyed.

Back at Earth...
Man and woman, sated, dress themselves. They go outside and down into subway.

Subway smells like urine.

On train man and woman hold hands. They talk in baby voices. Man calls woman, “Moopsey,” and woman calls man, “Bitty Bitty.” They lisp and rhyme whenever possible.

Passengers around them gag.

Man and woman exit subway at Eighth Street and find a store that sells expensive jewelry. They look at rings.

Man, against stereotype, is comfortable with commitment and eager to be joined in love with woman.

Woman is happy to be getting expensive ring.

Bandit enters store. He wears a ski mask and points a gun at clerk. “This is a hold up,” he says.

Clerk runs into back room, hides behind bullet proof glass, and forgets to call 911.

In one of those odd coincidences in life, a police car, with sirens blaring, pulls up outside. Jewelry store across the street is being robbed too.

Bandit, convinced he is about to be caught, points gun at woman and says, “All is lost for me. I might as well kill you and be done with it.”

“No, don’t kill her!” man cries. “If you must kill someone, kill me.”

Bandit is perplexed. “Why do you want to die?” he asks.

“I don’t want to die,” man says, “but I want her to live more than I don’t want to die.”

Bandit is even more perplexed.

Man uses clearer language. He says, “I love her.”

Bandit is moved. He pulls ski mask off of head to reveal he is, in fact, avog, lone survivor of rogue asteroid, forced to rob jewelry stores to raise funds for next invasion.

“I am touched by your sacrifice,” avog says. “Humans are not the blood thirsty race I was told they were. I will not invade your planet. I will let you live in peace.”

“Thanks,” says man.

“Furthermore,” says avog, “I am intrigued by your love. I wish for you to return with me to my planet and teach me all about it.”

Man looks into avog’s eyes and is aroused.

“Okay,” he says.

Avog and man beam up to avog’s spaceship.

Avog and man screw like squirrels.

On the way back to avog’s planet, rogue asteroid returns and destroys spaceship. All die. Honestly.

In the expensive jewelry store woman pockets all expensive jewelry. She moves to the Dominican Republic. She buys a big, beautiful house and hires big, beautiful houseboys to satisfy her every whim.

Woman and houseboys live happily ever after.

The End


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