Tuesday, October 10, 2006


So at my day job, we find out the people who make Hemawipes have gone out of business. I'm sure this raises some questions. Yes, I have a day job, despite the scads of money The Waitstaff pays me every 4 days to write crap like this. No, you can't get paid for writing crap like this for The Waitstaff. Yes, I'll tell you what Hemawipes are, and why you care.

My company provides occupational health testing to industrial sites - mostly tests that require a physical, which calls for a stool screening. If you are the only one who doesn't know, a stool is, to put it in scientific terms, a turd. A Hemawipe makes this easy to do. Rather than going to a lab, taking a squat in a test tube and dropping it off at the front desk, a Hemawipe allows you to, in the privacy of your own home, or out in public somewhere, you sick, sick bastard, simply take a quick "wipe" of the ol' tushie-hole and put it in the envelope and mail it in! Postage paid! Goes to the lab, and they tell you if you're a cancer-ridden loser or not. But. The last company that makes the cute li'l items has, to paraphrase Vonnegut, turned belly-up and gone bang!in the noonday sun.

So, we have a limited supply. And our clients are starting to clamor for them. It's a clanging cacophony of clinging corn-holes sans the comforting cloth of Hemawipe comfort.

For what is the alternative? How may you now submit your poopy to the annonymous medical professionals whose sacred task it is to evaluate your shit (and this post was profanity-free til now. Shit.)?

It's a popscicle stick.

Yes, a little wooden sliver you scrape your bung-hole with (OK, you're really supposed to scrape it off some toilet paper you used, but where's the challenge in that?)and submit it to Dr. Hankie.

So,I ask you, and I demand you speak the truth...





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