Thursday, December 07, 2006

Just In Time For Christmas... Unicorns!

It's Christmas time, and this, no lie, is a new product out just in time for the holidays.

You know, if this can be mass produced and sold for profit, I'm in the wrong business.

Allow me to present the Avenging Unicorn Playset.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words...

This one's worth two thousand.

The following is the honest to goodness write up for it:

Doesn't everyone want an imaginary unicorn friend that can be called upon to smite one's enemies? Well, now you have the chance to get a plastic equivalent of such a fantastical beast with the Avenging Unicorn Play Set. Each boxed set includes four figures and four interchangeable horns for the white unicorn figure, which stands 3.75-inches tall.

In addition to the mighty horned beast, he includes three humans which may be impaled on his horn: a new age woman, a business man, and a mime, each of which are 3.125-inches tall.

Do you believe? Unicorns are magical creatures that exist only for those who believe.
When they are not frolicking in dewy meadows or posing on windy cliffs they are helping believers do away with daily annoyances.

Does the New Age lady at the bookstore get on your nerves when she starts ranting about her latest encounter with an ancient warrior spirit? Are you tired of being accosted by the creepy mime who thinks he deserves a quarter for pretending to be trapped in a box? Does that arrogant businessman in the well-pressed suit drive you crazy with loud talking on his cell phone in a crowded elevator?

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and summon a unicorn. If you believe in the magic of unicorns with all your heart and soul they will answer your call.

The Unicorn Code:
1. Unicorns never lie.
2. Unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3. Unicorns are loyal.

Think I'm lying? Go buy one.

Now let's break this down. Someone, somewhere, has it in his/her imagination that the best way to rid the world of annoying people is to "Close your eyes, take a deep breath and summon a unicorn" to IMPALE the offending citizens.

Creative? Yes. Slightly insane? Hell yes. (But I'm with him on the mime. Mimes suck.)

But since that's not plausible (Unicorns aren't real. It's true, I looked it up.), let's create a plastic version to live out this fever dream. And better yet, sell it for profit.

But here's the thing. What if someone buys this for you?

The gift giver thinks one of two things, 1) you actually like unicorns, or 2) you are borderline homicidal.

Just what I want stuffed in my stocking this year - affirmation of my fears that I'm losing it.

Have a Happy Hugs and Handjobs Holiday,

-JQ - with additonal reporting by CPW


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