DJ Darth Vader

Known to battle relentlessly with his nemesis, DJ Jedi Jeff.

Hey Darth, for having the entire Imperial army at your beck and call, your lighting crew sucks.

Hugs and Handjobs,

-JQ

www.thewaitstaff.com

The Dichotomy of Oldness

Everyone’s pretty familiar with how badly the elderly drive automobiles. Seems once you hit 60 years old and get that AARP card, you have to drive 15mph under the speed limit, you can’t use your turn signals, and you have the freedom to weave as far as two car lengths into any lane you choose to at any time.

Of, course, the lack of zip in their morning commute is explainable. They’re retired. They don’t have a job to get to, so they have no need to rush.

Which begs the questions: why the FUCK are they up so goddamn early, and why the FUCK must they clog up MY highway in the morning, when I have somewhere to be and I’m fifteen minutes late because Johnny Geriatric is doing 20 in a 65?!

(Release of steam. Calm restored.)

(Release of gas. Whoops, too calm! Awkward giggle.)

But lo, I have discovered something unbelievably wicked. When these “elderly” people want to rush, they can. It’s a choice, not some precondition of old age.

That’s right, I said it: they’re decrepit old liars.

Witness the line at a McDonald’s at eight in the morning. The line has about four people in it, then ME, and then a Little Old Lady (L.O.L.), I’ll say around the 70-75 zone, in a little beige overcoat and one of those plastic hair-net thingies that are supposed to protect from the rain (it wasn’t raining), but just end up making you look like a homeless person.

The clerk, a shining young man of 16 or 17, sporting a glorious spread of acne and no-I’ve-never-been-laid-I’m-saving-myself-for-Queen-Amidala-itis, was doing a fair job taking orders and gathering food.

But L.O.L., well, she was only there for coffee, so, of course, felt she was entitled to walk past everyone in line and tell the clerk that, yes, “All I want is a coffee.”

The clerk told her that she’d have to wait her turn. To which she not-so-calmly replied, “But all I want is coffee!” There was a silent universal agreement throughout the line, and we let crazy bitch go ahead of us. Almost exactly three seconds later:

“There are no creamers!”

Now, in that three seconds, L.O.L. had zoomed across the restaurant to where the creamers were, and come all the way back. I was amazed at her quick footedness. Perhaps the freshly squeegeed floors had added to her quickness, but either way, for a gnarled old hag, bitch could move.

As Zits (The Wonder Geek) disappeared into the back, further lengthening everyone's stay in our lovely line, L.O.L. stood at the counter, tapping her foot loudly against the floor, and doing that old person staple, the pronounced impatient sigh... every 2 seconds.

What a c-word.

I mean, we let her cut a fairly substantial line, then she has the AUDACITY to be impatient and bitter, feening for her cup of joe like a fuckin’ crack addict.

Therefore, I have deduced that Old People, when they want to, can move as fast and be as selfish as the younger generation can.

They just cover it up with candy, being nice to babies, and that Preparation H / baby powder / oncoming death smell.

Moral of the story:

That douchebag of an old fart doing 10mph and swerving to and fro in front of you on the highway?

He’s doing it on purpose. Feel free to bump him into the nearest tree.

Hugs and Handjobs,

-JQ

www.thewaitstaff.com

Poetry Time!

Ode to My Former Boss

You evil bitch,
You stupid witch,
You spent all your dough,
You are not rich.

You ugly hag,
Your breasts do sag,
The thought of you,
Just makes me gag.

You cheat the poor,
But cheat me no more,
I quit your job,
And shut that door.

And now I’m free,
I smile with glee,
At the thought of you,
Stuck in a tree.


- CPW

Wear Your Wig to Work Day

Today was Wear Your Wig to Work Day. In the past I’ve always heard about it after the fact, so this year I was psyched to learn about it beforehand and participate. Now, I work in a semi respectable office. It’s fairly casual, but sometimes clients come in, so we have to look somewhat professional. I knew my foot high beehive wig was out. I decided to play it safe and wear my fall (a ponytail attached to the back of the head with a clip comb), which looks something like this. It’s the same color as my natural hair, but it’s about a foot longer and has a lot more body.

So, you know what happened at work today? People didn’t recognize me. I was dressed the way I normally do (business crappy), just had longer hair, but it was still my hair color. When they realized it was me they asked, “How’d you grow your hair so long overnight?”

God, I work with some idiots.

Retired Jokes

Two jokes you can't use anymore:

(In the late 1970's, White House Chief of Staff Hamilton Jordan was accused of snorting cocaine in the Jimmy Carter White House.)

Q. What do Ham Jordan and [first lady]Roslyn Carter have in common?

A. They both blow a little dope in the White House.


(When Trans-world Airlines, popularly known as TWA, went out of business, it ended this classic statement.)

While flying, travellers can enjoy beverages like, soda, milk, coffee, or that famous TWA Tea.

(Say that to yourself until you get it...)

In Case You're Wondering...

I like my men the way I like my coffee, weak and bitter.

- CPW

Story Time!

Boy meets girl.

Boy and girl fall in love.

Boy loses girl. What do you expect? It’s a big train station.

Boy finds girl cowering by storage lockers.

Girl looks up at boy and screams, “I’m a woman, God Damn it. Physically, emotionally, and legally I AM A WOMAN. Why do you insist on treating me like a child?”

Boy helps woman to her feet and reassures her of his respect for her maturity.

Woman is offended by the word “maturity.”

Boy changes subject.

Woman suggests they go back to her place. Boy agrees.

Once there, boy proves he is not a boy, but a man.

Man and woman screw like squirrels.


Meanwhile on the other side of the galaxy...
Avog meets aveel.

Avog and aveel fall in bufledon.

Aveel screams, “I am a loobtop, Xeen Damn it. Why must you treat me like an arable?”

Avog says, “Forget this shit,” and makes plans to invade Earth.

On the way to Earth, avog’s fleet is hit by rogue asteroid. All are destroyed.


Back at Earth...
Man and woman, sated, dress themselves. They go outside and down into subway.

Subway smells like urine.

On train man and woman hold hands. They talk in baby voices. Man calls woman, “Moopsey,” and woman calls man, “Bitty Bitty.” They lisp and rhyme whenever possible.

Passengers around them gag.

Man and woman exit subway at Eighth Street and find a store that sells expensive jewelry. They look at rings.

Man, against stereotype, is comfortable with commitment and eager to be joined in love with woman.

Woman is happy to be getting expensive ring.

Bandit enters store. He wears a ski mask and points a gun at clerk. “This is a hold up,” he says.

Clerk runs into back room, hides behind bullet proof glass, and forgets to call 911.

In one of those odd coincidences in life, a police car, with sirens blaring, pulls up outside. Jewelry store across the street is being robbed too.

Bandit, convinced he is about to be caught, points gun at woman and says, “All is lost for me. I might as well kill you and be done with it.”

“No, don’t kill her!” man cries. “If you must kill someone, kill me.”

Bandit is perplexed. “Why do you want to die?” he asks.

“I don’t want to die,” man says, “but I want her to live more than I don’t want to die.”

Bandit is even more perplexed.

Man uses clearer language. He says, “I love her.”

Bandit is moved. He pulls ski mask off of head to reveal he is, in fact, avog, lone survivor of rogue asteroid, forced to rob jewelry stores to raise funds for next invasion.

“I am touched by your sacrifice,” avog says. “Humans are not the blood thirsty race I was told they were. I will not invade your planet. I will let you live in peace.”

“Thanks,” says man.

“Furthermore,” says avog, “I am intrigued by your love. I wish for you to return with me to my planet and teach me all about it.”

Man looks into avog’s eyes and is aroused.

“Okay,” he says.

Avog and man beam up to avog’s spaceship.

Avog and man screw like squirrels.

On the way back to avog’s planet, rogue asteroid returns and destroys spaceship. All die. Honestly.

In the expensive jewelry store woman pockets all expensive jewelry. She moves to the Dominican Republic. She buys a big, beautiful house and hires big, beautiful houseboys to satisfy her every whim.

Woman and houseboys live happily ever after.

The End

- CPW

How To Win The War In Iraq

As you all know by now, President Bush has requested an additionial 20,000 troops to be sent to Iraq to help gain an upper hand in a conflict that has quickly become a downward spiral.

And for the first time, ever, I might agree with him.

Go ahead, send more troops.

I have one condition: Send the 501st Legion.

Dude, if I saw that headed my way, I'd poo in my pants.

Hugs and Handjobs,

-JQ

www.thewaitstaff.com

Message to My Next Door Neighbor

We're all very impressed. Just have the orgasm already.

- CPW

Customer Relationship Management (CRM)

A sad, frustrating historical tale, told in the original ACT noters, before I took my job here. The first half of these posts are from my predesessor, Dan. I'll let you know when mine com in...

11/12/02: Spoke to Fred and he said that they offer a full physical to their employees annually. They have 150 employees, that receive full physicals and then every 3 years they do the office personnel as well. He wants info on our services before scheduling a meeting. He was hesitant at first that we could not meet his needs, but was surprised that all components of their physicals we can do.

12/6/02: met with Fred Burgos and he was very impressed with our capabilities. He said that he will be very busy through the end of the year, but wants pricing and reference info to get things in line for 2003. He said that they are under contract through May of 2003. They will have a board meeting in January to discuss this further.

1/9/03 Fred wants a call back in 2 weeks to update the status.

2/13/03: Still waiting to hear back but he thinks that it should be soon. Call again in 2
weeks if he does not call me first. He wants to use us.

3/7/03: and they are involved in a major cleanup and that is taking center stage right now. Can try back toward the end of the month.

5/2/03: they decided to renew the current contract for 1 more year. Fred said that the door is still open for a change for next year. Call him in December to set up appt with Fred and his boss.

12/3/03: Spoke to Fred and he said that they have no plans to change the contract. That does not mean that he won't keep bending the ear of his boss though. He said to keep in touch but for now no change in plans.

5/4/04: Nothing new, Fred said that they have chosen to contract with local hospital again. The contract runs through next April. Call him in January to see what the status is then. He wants to use PHS, but he does not have the final say.

1/5/05: I spoke to Fred and he said that his boss is already in negotiations with the local hospital and it is all but a done deal to extend the contract. he said that htere is no way for this year that I can get in.

4/21/05: Spoke to Fred and the boss signed another extension with current provider.

Now I enter the picture:

1/19/06: Not this year - a done deal for the local clinic. fred says budget done in October/November; I said we'd call in late sept to see if we have a fighting chance. fred and I shared a laugh about "the long sad story" this sales cycle has become.

9/13/06: new contract starts May 1st, 2007, and he tells me now is the time to get the ball rolling. He hasn't seen recent material, so I'm emailing current . I asked about wellness testing, and the response was "we don't give a crap".

9/19/06: Left message: 9/19/06

9/20/06: he said he passed on to his boss; Fred was impressed by our info, and said he was going to email breakdown of employees, locations and testing needed per location. I'll give a call in 2 weeks if I don't hear from him.

10/4/2006: Today Fred reports that he was going to email breakdown but got busy. He added that he planned to do it, "soon, in fact". i'll check in again in another 2 weeks.

10/18/06: Fred states today that he should probably email me a breakdown, adding: "And we're gonna do it, too!" I'll cb in another week.

10/25/06: "IT'S IN THE MAIL!" cb 1 week. if not recieved.

11/1/06: Email sent: Hi, Fred!
I'm sorry, but we never received the breakdown of employees
you mailed out last week.
Would you mind sending it again?
Feel free to fax or email it if you like

11/1/06: It was not in the mail. I sent Fred email requesting another copy. Tune in next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel for the next thrilling chapter.

11/16/06: "oh, no, I didn't mail it out", fred demurred petulantly, "I'm still putting it together." And here I thought he had sent a breakdown of employees to be tested through the mail just because he said "I completed it and mailed it to you last week." back on 10.25. This guy is a yutz, a shmo, a brobdignagian schlemiel. Not wasting time, as he's a liar and a shlub.